All about the bench... amins.

Right, so with the sunroom getting all gussied up, we started thinking about how we were going to furnish it once all the trim and decorating were out of the way. One of the things we really wanted was a bench to go along the wall under the window. The purpose of this bench would need to be two-fold: a) it should give us a little more storage space and room to put all our outdoorsie stuff that couldn't actually be kept outside (like sports equipment and birdseed); and, b) more importantly, it would give the kitties somewhere to sit where they could watch the birdies or, should we happen to be outside, us. (It would also give us a place to store the kitties if they didn't behave, but that's TOTALLY not what it's for. Well, not that often. Almost never.)

Of course, we weren't likely to find a bench that would meet the War Department's rather exacting specifications, so it was determined, by virtue of a totally fair and not-at-all-rigged vote (that included two primaries and a run-off election - stupid cats couldn't stay focused and kept eating their ballots), that I would build the bench myself.

(I lie, of course. I totally volunteered to build this bench, arguably against the War Department's better judgement, but I write this blog, damn it, and I get to tell it my way so I don't look as bad. Which means lying. A lot. As you cant tell, it doesn't always work. Okay, so it rarely works. Fine - it doesn't ever work. Shut up.)

Anyway, I started by browsing the intertubes for a few hours. After that, I got busy researching ways to build the bench; i.e., I Googled "free storage bench plans" and downloaded the first set I found. Happily, they didn't turn out to be infected by any weird Chinese trojan/virus (that I could tell), and I set about modifying them extensively to suit our requirements and measurements.

Basically, we wanted to keep the overall design of the thing simple, and so we settled on a bench that was 8" long - the length of a sheet of plywood, which could be easily cut into strips and assembled into a box, basically. Which is really what I did; this is the bottom of the beast, after I'd added a 1" strip around the bottom of each compartment to hold the bottom of the box up off the floor:

The really interesting thing about that picture is that it also marks the precise spot where I needed to start deviating from the plans as written, and making up some stuff as I went along. Well, actually the original plans didn't even call for a bottom, and wanted me to just assemble the box in place against the wall, and they were for a box that was only 60" long and not quite as deep or as high for that matter, so really I was just using the plans for the pretty pictures at this point. But I digress - as usual.

So the first REALLY SIGNIFICANT change, if you like, was to divide the box into sections, so we would have three compartments instead of one large one. THEN I put the strips around the bottom and put a piece of plywood down into each one for the bottom piece. I also had to rework the part of the original plans that called for a piece of two by four attached to a strip of plywood running along the top of the box to support the lid. I had to make six separate supports, and adjust them to fit within the trim running across the top of the dividers. Did I actually need SIX of them? No, just three, but I had to make the same three twice. (We're coming to that.)

Then I had to go back to Home Depot. See, the design called for a 1x2 trim piece to run around the top edge of the box. To clean up the edges, though, I would have to mitre the corners... which is not easy - impossible, in fact - to do when trying to use 8' long pieces of trim on a 8' long box. So I went off to buy a 10' piece, just for those extra 3 inches. (We'll leave aside the fact that I actually messed up the cut so badly the first time that I had to go back for ANOTHER 10' piece.)

Anyway, I eventually got the top trim all lined up and pretty, and I then cut and attached stiles (upright trim pieces) and the cross trim to a) cover up the screw holes from where I attached the floor and the dividers, and b) cover up the exposed ends of the plywood, and c) make it look pretty.

Then it was time to start work on the lids. Of course, those of you who are paying attention have already thought, "Wait a minute - if the 8' piece of trim wasn't long enough, and he has to cut the plywood into 3 pieces, losing at least an eighth of an inch with each cut, how are the lids going to be big enough to cover the top, especially given that there's now an extra inch or so of trim sticking out on each side of the 8' box?"

(If there are ANY readers who actually WERE wondering that.... get out more. Seriously. It's bad enough that I worry about this, I don't need your problems on my conscience.)

Well, rest assured - I has already taken that all into account. See, I knew I'd need a little bit of gap between the lids, and so the 1/4 inch I lost from cutting the lid into three pieces was not only expected but required. The rest of the overage would be taken up by the trim I would be installing around the edges of each lid to cover up the exposed plywood.

Anyway, it was time for another trip to Home Depot because I thought I'd bought the wrong hinges. I hadn't - I had just installed them backwards, which was really annoying because I had already had to detach and then reattach the lid support pieces so I could use the Forstner bits in the drill press to make the holes for the hinges to sit in - but that's okay because I wound up getting better hinges the second time even though I had to remake the lid support pieces because I glued them together like an idiot. I then attached the lids and then the trim piece that covers up the back of the box behind the lids.

You can see in the picture how the hinges are set into the lid - those are the hinge parts that I had originally installed into the support piece at the back of the box - and you can also see the NEW support pieces I had to make because the old ones had BIG DAMN HOLES in them. I also had to remake part of the rear trim pieces because I was daydreaming like a jackass and cut one of them an inch too short.

Oh, and see how one of the stiles on each end has been trimmed down a bit so that the overall width of the trim is the same on both side? Yeah - totally not my idea. It was in the original plans.

Anyway, that's pretty much all the assembly. I know it may not read like it, and frankly, retelling the story makes me seriously doubt it, but I really am getting better at this. Scary, eh?

Next step? Paint! Several goddamn coats of it, in fact.

But that's for next time when, I THINK, we might actually be able to call the sunroom.... done?

 

 

 

PS. I am fully aware that the title of this post is arguable the dumbest thing I've ever posted on this blog, and that's saying something. But I thought it was funny and if you don't like it, you are welcome to complain to someone who cares.

 

 

 

 

 

My mom thinks I'm cool.