Yard Work Part One: The Shed

Fair warning: right off the top, I’m not feeling particularly inspired tonight. Probably because I’m so unbelievably tired right now. So don't expect the usual level of awesome you've all come to expect from my blog posts. I mean, I've already re-titled this one eight times, and that's seriously the best I could do right now. I anticipate that this post will be much more pedestrian and plodding than my other work.

 

(Boy, THAT'S really saying something, eh? Way to really sell it, big guy. Nice going.)

 

My internal monologue aside, we've been pretty damn busy and, unlike some of our other projects, we've actually got something to show for it!

The bad news is that properly describerating the monumentalishness of our accomplishmentalisms this past weekend will require a bit of flashbackenating to last fall and some explanationering of how we got to the state in which we started our latest undertakingerations. (I made a typo in "describing" and decided to just run with it there. Sorry.)

See, last year, we bought this shed. (I may or may not have related some or all of this story already, but a cursory glance at the archives didn't turn anything up. If any of this does seem familiar, please bear with me while I fill in the gaps for everyone else. Or, at least, attempt to fill in the gaps of my own memory with some fabricated recollections. Two points for whoever can point out which is which.) We really needed a place to store some things for the winter, like our bikes, the barbecues, some stuff from the sunroom, and some other stuff that was taking up a lot of room in the garage. (This will become ironic in a minute.) We decided the best way to suit all of these requirements would be to buy a small, pre-fab shed kit and set it up temporarily on the back "patio" (just for the winter) until we could get around to removing the old shed or finding a more permanent spot in the spring.

So we poked around the usual places and eventually found a nice shed for sale at Home Despot. Of course, neither of our local outfits had one in stock, so we drove all the way up to Dumpin' and the new Home Despot there because we wanted it right away (this will also become ironic in a minute), but the savings on this particular unit were totally worth the trip, and it really was the nicest of the sheds we had seen. So nice, in fact, that it was worth throwing away the idea of a "small" shed, and buying a 7'x7' model that we fully intended to make a permanent part of our yard and garden storage solutions.

So we got the shed home, prepped the site in the back yard and started putting it together. We got all the finicky bits assembled, and started putting up the walls and the roof when we ran into some issues. Even though all the pieces were pre-fabricated, we were having a hard time getting the rear gable piece to lock into the matching holes on the back wall. As it was already getting kinda dark at this point, we called it a day, drank some beer, and decided to try again in the morning.

Well, the next morning came, we looked out our kitchen window at this shed standing RIGHT IN THE WAY, and decided that we, well, hated it. Not the shed - just the location. It was completely blocking the view into and the light from the backyard, and with the sunroom soon to be out of commission for an extended period of time anyway, was kind of making us feel all trapped and cramped. Which is weird, given the size of that back room of ours.

So we talked it over, and decided that the best place for our spiffy new shed would be around the side of the house, beside the garage. The problem with that plan is that the slope of the ground and the presence of, you know, a LAWN, would mean some additional preparation for the site. Which meant we needed more materials.

So it was off to Slegg for some pressure-treated two-by-sixes, a couple sheets of 5/8" tongue-and-groove plywood, joist hangers, concrete blocks, and assorted odds and ends. We brought it all back, unloaded the materials, and ... well, crap.

After a better look at the proposed site, we realized it was a much bigger project than we had thought. See, we had picked a spot that not only had a lawn, but was on something of a gentle slope as well. To complicate things even more, the spot was in full view of the street AND the neighbors' driveway. In order to do this up properly, we would have to level off the slope AND extend our existing fence down the driveway so we could wrap it around and close off the side yard. While eminently doable, it was NOT a project we particularly wanted to start at 2:00 in the afternoon on an autumn Sunday.

Which meant that the shed and its base materials, which we had purchased specifically as a means to increase the amount of available storage space, needed to be stored for the winter - in the garage, which is the exact space we were trying to clear out.

Sigh.

So, the bad news is that I made you read all that as completely needless back story for the rest of the post, where we bring all that junk OUT of the garage, and build us a shed!

 

Seriously. (No points for anyone who thought I was making part of that up, just to make us look even more indecisive than we actually are. In fact, minus 2 points for obviously not paying attention to our past history. Shame on you.)

 

The first thing, of course, was to plan out the steps in which we would complete this particular project. Well, actually, we ran out and bought a bunch of material for the fence first, THEN we thought about the steps. Well, ACTUALLY, the War Department thought about the steps while I started hauling random tools and materials out of their hiding spots. Plan? Why? I'll just shut up and get to the pictures, okay?

Let's start with an establishing shot, shall we?

We wanted to put the shed in front of the big pine there, just to the side of the rhododendron - where the pile of brush was sitting.. We also wanted to remove the sections of shed between the pine and the old crappy metal shed, and then build onto the corner of the existing fence to bring it down beside the shed, and wrap across the front to join up with the corner of the house. Oh, and just in case you were wondering why we wanted to remove the old sections of fence...

Not really sure what's keeping that section upright, actually...

Our concerns about the order of tasks was based on not being sure about the amount of room we'd have between the shed and the new sections of the fence. We didn't want to put the shed up first, or we wouldn't have enough room to get the shovels and whatnot in there to dig the holes for the posts or to maneuver the posts themselves. At the same time, we didn't want to put the fence up first, or we'd be pretty cramped trying to assemble the shed. So, the order we (the War Department) decided on was to grade the slope for the shed base, assemble the base, then dig and set the posts, then build the shed, then fill in the fence between the posts. Like all of our plans, it didn't exactly work out that way, but it was surprisingly close (for us), and the end result was still pretty damn good.

First thing on a pretty decent Saturday morning, then, we got out there with some hedge clippers, shovels, and picks and took down the boxwoods along the side of the yard to where we figured the corner of the fence would be. We tore down (in about 30 seconds) the old fence and stacked the all of the brush and old wood in the driveway:

With that out of the way, we paced out roughly the spot where we wanted the shed to go, and stripped off the first layer of sod underneath:

This led to a long, finicky process of trying to make the four corner blocks sit flat - and level across the space between them. To aid us in this endeavour, we built the outline of the floor, and used it as a guide for both spacing and level. Once the War Department was happy with the result (she has to do this part or everything we own would be at a 4-degree angle - I'd call that close enough and move on - bad Don!), we covered the bare dirt with a sheet of heavy poly, set up the corner blocks and outside frame of the base and started prepping to install the floor joists.

Which is right about when my Crazy Neighbour™ wandered over to see what we were doing and ask if he could help.

Now that picture is notable for a couple of reasons... First, it marks the first appearance, on camera, of the Crazy Neighbour™ himself. Second, it marks the exact instance of the last time on this project that I was able to use my brand new impact driver that the Top Brass bought me for Christmas. Once my Crazy Neighbour™ tried it out, I couldn't stop him from using it on everything in sight. I was reduced to tacking on the joist hangers with framing nails (just to hold them temporarily in place) while he came along behind me and screwed them into the joists and end stringers. With MY impact driver.

Sigh.

Well, at least I know what to tell his wife what to get him for Christmas... I might even get to use mine again then.

Anyway, once all the joists were installed, we covered up the poly with a half yard of gravel (keeps the weeds and whatnot from coming up and growing into the floor of the shed, dontcha know), and topped the base with the 5/8" tongue-in-groove plywood (note who gets to use the impact driver again):

We then topped it with the base plate of the actual shed, and turned our attention to the posts.

Rather than try to get a post-hole digger or a power auger into the agglomeration of rocks that passes for soil in these parts, we had bought post spikes - three-foot metal spikes with a collar on top to which you attach the post. Actually, we had bought three different types of these post spikes, but I'm not telling that story because it involves three separate trips to Rona and it SUCKS. Anyway, after reading the instructions on the spikes, and looking at the size of the fence, the placement of the gate, and everything else, we decided to go all Mike Holmes on these bad boys and concrete the shit out of them, rather than just pounding them in and hoping they held up once the winds started howling in the fall.

So that's what we did: dug a nice little hole where the post would go, pounded in the spike until the collar was level with the dirt, and then filled in around them with the better part of a bag of concrete. Each.

After that, it was beer time. Cause concrete is hard work.

The next morning, we went back outside to find everything still pretty much as we left it:

Including the concrete, which had completely failed to cure overnight. Given that the next stage was supposed to be installing the posts, we found ourselves somewhat at a loss. Until we remembered that, hey - we have a shed that needs to be built!

So we hauled all the pieces of the shed out of their cozy little nest in the garage (where they had stood for the better part of eight months or so) and laid them out on the lawn. The first few pieces went together lickety-split, largely because we didn't have to reassemble any of the really finicky bits like the windows and doors - we hadn't taken those components apart after our original, aborted attempt. In fact, it wasn't long before we reached the same slightly warped piece that we had so much trouble with the first time.

Full credit to the War Department on that one - I dunno what she did exactly, but I just held the piece up and she popped in the little bracket thingies just as easy as you please. No problem at all.

In fact, the whole shed went together so quickly that we didn't even have time to stop and take pictures of the process. We do, however, have a few of the end result:

 

Next time, we fence!

 

 

 

 

 

All about the bench... amins.

Right, so with the sunroom getting all gussied up, we started thinking about how we were going to furnish it once all the trim and decorating were out of the way. One of the things we really wanted was a bench to go along the wall under the window. The purpose of this bench would need to be two-fold: a) it should give us a little more storage space and room to put all our outdoorsie stuff that couldn't actually be kept outside (like sports equipment and birdseed); and, b) more importantly, it would give the kitties somewhere to sit where they could watch the birdies or, should we happen to be outside, us. (It would also give us a place to store the kitties if they didn't behave, but that's TOTALLY not what it's for. Well, not that often. Almost never.)

Of course, we weren't likely to find a bench that would meet the War Department's rather exacting specifications, so it was determined, by virtue of a totally fair and not-at-all-rigged vote (that included two primaries and a run-off election - stupid cats couldn't stay focused and kept eating their ballots), that I would build the bench myself.

(I lie, of course. I totally volunteered to build this bench, arguably against the War Department's better judgement, but I write this blog, damn it, and I get to tell it my way so I don't look as bad. Which means lying. A lot. As you cant tell, it doesn't always work. Okay, so it rarely works. Fine - it doesn't ever work. Shut up.)

Anyway, I started by browsing the intertubes for a few hours. After that, I got busy researching ways to build the bench; i.e., I Googled "free storage bench plans" and downloaded the first set I found. Happily, they didn't turn out to be infected by any weird Chinese trojan/virus (that I could tell), and I set about modifying them extensively to suit our requirements and measurements.

Basically, we wanted to keep the overall design of the thing simple, and so we settled on a bench that was 8" long - the length of a sheet of plywood, which could be easily cut into strips and assembled into a box, basically. Which is really what I did; this is the bottom of the beast, after I'd added a 1" strip around the bottom of each compartment to hold the bottom of the box up off the floor:

The really interesting thing about that picture is that it also marks the precise spot where I needed to start deviating from the plans as written, and making up some stuff as I went along. Well, actually the original plans didn't even call for a bottom, and wanted me to just assemble the box in place against the wall, and they were for a box that was only 60" long and not quite as deep or as high for that matter, so really I was just using the plans for the pretty pictures at this point. But I digress - as usual.

So the first REALLY SIGNIFICANT change, if you like, was to divide the box into sections, so we would have three compartments instead of one large one. THEN I put the strips around the bottom and put a piece of plywood down into each one for the bottom piece. I also had to rework the part of the original plans that called for a piece of two by four attached to a strip of plywood running along the top of the box to support the lid. I had to make six separate supports, and adjust them to fit within the trim running across the top of the dividers. Did I actually need SIX of them? No, just three, but I had to make the same three twice. (We're coming to that.)

Then I had to go back to Home Depot. See, the design called for a 1x2 trim piece to run around the top edge of the box. To clean up the edges, though, I would have to mitre the corners... which is not easy - impossible, in fact - to do when trying to use 8' long pieces of trim on a 8' long box. So I went off to buy a 10' piece, just for those extra 3 inches. (We'll leave aside the fact that I actually messed up the cut so badly the first time that I had to go back for ANOTHER 10' piece.)

Anyway, I eventually got the top trim all lined up and pretty, and I then cut and attached stiles (upright trim pieces) and the cross trim to a) cover up the screw holes from where I attached the floor and the dividers, and b) cover up the exposed ends of the plywood, and c) make it look pretty.

Then it was time to start work on the lids. Of course, those of you who are paying attention have already thought, "Wait a minute - if the 8' piece of trim wasn't long enough, and he has to cut the plywood into 3 pieces, losing at least an eighth of an inch with each cut, how are the lids going to be big enough to cover the top, especially given that there's now an extra inch or so of trim sticking out on each side of the 8' box?"

(If there are ANY readers who actually WERE wondering that.... get out more. Seriously. It's bad enough that I worry about this, I don't need your problems on my conscience.)

Well, rest assured - I has already taken that all into account. See, I knew I'd need a little bit of gap between the lids, and so the 1/4 inch I lost from cutting the lid into three pieces was not only expected but required. The rest of the overage would be taken up by the trim I would be installing around the edges of each lid to cover up the exposed plywood.

Anyway, it was time for another trip to Home Depot because I thought I'd bought the wrong hinges. I hadn't - I had just installed them backwards, which was really annoying because I had already had to detach and then reattach the lid support pieces so I could use the Forstner bits in the drill press to make the holes for the hinges to sit in - but that's okay because I wound up getting better hinges the second time even though I had to remake the lid support pieces because I glued them together like an idiot. I then attached the lids and then the trim piece that covers up the back of the box behind the lids.

You can see in the picture how the hinges are set into the lid - those are the hinge parts that I had originally installed into the support piece at the back of the box - and you can also see the NEW support pieces I had to make because the old ones had BIG DAMN HOLES in them. I also had to remake part of the rear trim pieces because I was daydreaming like a jackass and cut one of them an inch too short.

Oh, and see how one of the stiles on each end has been trimmed down a bit so that the overall width of the trim is the same on both side? Yeah - totally not my idea. It was in the original plans.

Anyway, that's pretty much all the assembly. I know it may not read like it, and frankly, retelling the story makes me seriously doubt it, but I really am getting better at this. Scary, eh?

Next step? Paint! Several goddamn coats of it, in fact.

But that's for next time when, I THINK, we might actually be able to call the sunroom.... done?

 

 

 

PS. I am fully aware that the title of this post is arguable the dumbest thing I've ever posted on this blog, and that's saying something. But I thought it was funny and if you don't like it, you are welcome to complain to someone who cares.

 

 

 

 

 

My mom thinks I'm cool.