It seems the War Department is under the impression (mistaken, as you shall no doubt see) that the ghastly light of roses in the front hall is the ugliest light in the house. I had dubbed it, perhaps prematurely, the second-ugliest, with an apparently ill-considered certainty that the light I had fingered as the ugliest was far and above anything remotely resembling even kitsch or camp value.
Not so, says the War Department. And not so, says another voter (who shall remain nameless): the four-globed monstrosity in the breakfast area is certainly in the running.
Well. There's really only one way to settle this, isn't there? It's time for the first-ever Don and Amy's Broadmead Reno POLL!
Bring on the contenders!
Contestant Number One: Pink Rose Monstrosity
This gets the War Department's vote as the ugliest light fixture in the house, and I can certainly appreciate her point-of-view (even if I don't agree). Whether the worst feature is the dusty pink ceramic roses, the cheap little crystals, or the badly gilded chain I have no idea, but this light is the complete package: an offensively ghastly package.
Contestant Number Two: The Four-Globed Nightmare
This abomination was my pick for the bronze medal in last week's post, but apparently some feel it deserves a shot at the title. So here it is in all its cobweb-infested-chain and badly-plated-bronze-bits
Contestant Number Three: Three Plus One Equals Crap
This fine specimen from the kitchen ceiling illustrates yet again that having exposed florescent bulbs is just a bad idea. Granted, it wasn't exactly designed for them, but still.. The combination of smoked glass bowls, the faux-antique brass mount, and the etched flowers is just ... well, bad. But not that bad, really, in comparison to some of the other contestants, right?
But wait, what's this over here by the sink?
I guess this fellow isn't allowed to hang with the cool kids. Having one of these things in the kitchen is bad enough, but two? That MUST be enough to garner it a few votes, no?
Contestant Number Four: The Faux-Bling Chandeliers
This
But wait! It ALSO has a friend:
(For what it's worth, both of those fixtures are already sitting in a cardboard box with the rest of the recycling, waiting for the next trip to Hartland.)
Contestant Number Five: Dear Sweet Jesus, What Is THAT?
There's a common misconception that the phrase "Oh, the humanity!" was spoken by a radio announcer upon witnessing the crash of the Hindenburg in 1937. This is only partly true: yes, the announcer was at the site of the Hindenburg, but he uttered the infamous phrase when he inadvertently caught a glimpse of this thing out of the corner of his eye:
Rumor has it that this exact light was used by the Caliph of Bujran to subdue overly-feisty concubines - just by threatening to turn it on.
Yes, that's a tension rod holding it in place - JUST IN CASE you thought another room in your house just wasn't quite horrifying enough, you could move this beast around whenever you wanted, and inflict it on a new location.
But wait, you say, this can't possibly be a real light - can we get a close up?
Hey, I say, they're your retinas, you wanna burn them right out of your head, who am I to stop you:
Shudder. That thing is made of sheer malevolence. It was also the only light fixture in the entire house that had regular incandescent bulbs in it - not even Frank was crazy enough to actually open it up and release the demon spirits trapped within.
I think you can probably guess what my pick is. So, what are you waiting for? Vote already!
